9) Bell the Nobel, Vrooom Obama

The big news should have become trite by now that of all people dead, living and the unborn, a reigning US President has received a Nobel Peace Prize. A remarkably commendable achievement by any stretch of the realms of magical reality. Obama received it for his ''extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy." Little did I know that the power of diplomacy could emphatically wield its voice even in Sweden and Norway.

Had it not been for the baneful political exploits and military dumb-squibs of our big-brother George Bush, Obama's cleansing-the-tainted-name efforts would've just gone unnoticed. Probably, the refreshing contrast that Obama’s noble diplomatic pronouncements make against his predecessor’s aggression carried the day for him with the Nobel jury. If Obama has a greater reason than his policies and Diplomacy to thank for, it must be the misadventures of Mr.Hare Brain. Let aside doing something creative for the good, a mere negating-the-evil activity could fetch a Nobel, I gather. Chandler Bing woud've said "Could it be any easier." Guess if Osama bin Laden turns himself in next year, he could be quite a contender (Yes we can).. because he would be preventing quite a collateral damage!

Obama's achievements viz - reconciliation with the Muslim world, handshakes with Cuba, scrapping of Bush's missile shield, pressing against climatic change, reducing nuclear payload, etc.. - all seem as though Jesus has descended upon the White House. But as all things, this too has a flip side. Now Obama can't invade another Arab country without a pinch of guilt entwined.. Good move Alfred Nobel lineage!

8) Spirits of inebriated respite

Low Consumption = Low Spirits = Depression

Seems "drinking is a household, social, national ill" - courtesy Government regulator, Tasmac. The evil aftermaths of a drunken brawl should be inquired upon no other fit persons than the pitiable wives of daily wagers. To these alcoholics, it is rather a necessity, than a mere merrymaking occasional party. It is a social malign and I'm not trying to be your moral science teacher or the neighbourhood pastor. Chronic drinking might be bad, but I tend to see it in correlation with exams - remember those lousy essays you wrote in every English paper - a necessary evil. I don't say this for want of no reason, thanks to the latest research by Nord-Trøndelag Health Study, Norway. This comes as a morale booster for all mild drinkers out there who imbibe casually for the fun factor in it, or for just the heck of it. Alcoholism is blasphemy; Mild drinking is heavenly.

The research concludes that people who 'abstain' from alcoholic consumption are at a higher fortune of being in low spirits (a depression) than those who are liberal and diverse in their choice of drinks. An aromatic sandalwood log up the posterior of all those 'teetotalers' who have adequate chances to be so depressed as a nomad Hippopotamus left on top of an ant hill in the hot-sun-Sahara with its thick skin smeared with honey (courtesy Vonnegut). Look at life in retrospect and the lightest memories would be those little jokes, mocks, jabs that we shared over a drink - talks that would otherwise sound rubbish - at some joint. The sweetest reminiscences would be those few hours between sobriety and passing-out - that state of mild vertigo, lightheadedness, levity which very few things but alcohol could deliver; a feeling which very few tangible things in life could surpass. I'm not talking of a morbid obsession to drink but a meek titillation to pamper the psyche.

Spirits getting in-spirit-ed people into higher spirits of inebriation. I'm no connoisseur of the binge or an unruly gluttonous boozing indulgence, but a modest publican persuading people to see mild drinking as a necessary evil, a vent for an emotional outburst, a solace to an excited mind. And after all the wise-wording, last thing I want to discover is that the research was funded by Johnnie Walker!

7) The Bane of Kissing, Cane the *issing

Get caught kissing someone overtly, you are the epitome of lechery. Any slightest physical expression of love in the open is a crime amounting to insurmountable sin. Yet, we are a society so tabooed with sex that we don't mind men lashing out their artillery at the auspices of the Public eye. Come the base of any large bushy tree, Moraji Desai could discover nutrients for a lifetime, sedimented beneath. Truly blessed is the tree, that has the perk of being spewed upon, sprayed, expunged and extricated by the daunting force of the many incoming Niagaras! Perhaps the roots of a high voltage national power grid out-in-the-open-wiring should creep below trees, to curb the menace of raining buckets or widdling or passing water in purview of the world's vision. Still, our souls would holy-water-grace the roads, not as an act of bravery or valour, but as an act of pure knowledge.. knowledge that the power lines would at most times be offline!

Thee innocent society can bear the disgrace and stigma of watering the trees but not a true expression of affection. Such is the state of snobbery and extent of a herd-mentality in our banal society, and we are all seasoned to hold up certain ridiculous practices. However, the bigger issue is the question of lashing-out-what is offensive. In my modest opinion, I would rather prefer watching affection than a stream-flow on our roads! Reason and common sense should supersede long held irrational beliefs.

6) Capitalised on the Global Recession?

Call it economic meltdown, production downturn, financial turmoil, grave markets, jobs down the drain, hikes RIP or growth-kicked-the-bucket, the recession (or "The GreatER Depression") is hitting us all. In such circumstances as they would demand, its thought that we should be thrifty and tightfisted. I once wondered why I had that last round of whiskey, for I perhaps could've bought a commanding stake in GM with that handful of money. The Levi's jeans that I bought an year back is now on a double discount bonanza offer, craving to be taken away at half my selling price, yet lies neglected. Thanks to the greedy 'sub-prime' tycoons, things are a lot cheaper these days! Stop whining and start reaping value for money.

5) Swine Flu - Pandora's Box

When I first read about swine flu, I just moved on to the next article inadvertently thinking that it was another dig on Indian politicians. But the word flu caught my eye; seems that the doctors themselves did not have a clue about the flu and they started rolling out Tamiflus to fight the obscure flu. Just like how a rookie who can work his way in a dumb MS-DOS would pass off as an all-techie Steve Jobs among the elderly; or how a guy with a sinister quote could pass off as the-king-of-all-Philosophy Socrates among the fool multitude.

"Lone man's fight for survival under Colorado mine" makes awfully better a headline than an "84 men stuck under debris" as is evident from Billy Wilder's 'Ace in the hole'. Talk about journalism! It's all a hype. Bad news sells best. Sensational bad news sells better! Cigarettes, wars and typhoids perhaps kill more people; but people yearn to hear that another kid in 4th grade kicked the bucket thanks to swine flu. Parents should now know that education kills - not only creativity.

Seems Pune now hosts home to the single highest concentration of nurses-in-the-surgery-room - given that they all wear N95 (sounds like a new Nokia model or another flu!) masks or whatever. The local metro looks like a massive blood seeping operation theater (besides, travelling on Indian trains could in itself persuade people to shed blood, thanks to the generous 2% for safety in the Railway budget - next we're gonna have statues of righteous VIPs inside trains!). Guess the only people unaffected by all the pandemonium around us are the Jains who always seem to take ample precautions with masks! Still, how does abstaining from onions and potatoes scare off swine flu... Again, going by certain faith, God and pigs-are-sinful notions, wonder if muslims could contract the flu!

4) The "BLACK or White" Fest

Besides the swine flu, the pressing matters of today are the fate of certain black Americans. Mr. Obama holds a black and white carnival feast and serves a few cold stares (cold beer, they say!). Mr.MJ (or have i not used the right salutation!) gets buried an some undisclosed location, yet the despondency of his death creates a loom over his doctor's future practice in more than one way. That blacks are denied attention is not a viable argument, at least for now.

To what greater extent would one want to see a fellowship of such degree as expressed by Obama towards Harvard Prof. Henry Louis Gates Jr.. Do remember that Obama headed the Harvard Law Review (what am i supposing?). Bailed out a fellow compatriot, or con-patriot, from the atrocities of the white-dominated Police force! That, let the offense be committed or not, the innocent black is innocent till proven guilty is the law - which Obama knows pretty well. To lash out at the Police instinctively and to save Henry's posterior from going behind bars was very courageous! Now who "acted stupidly"?

Distancing from Harvard intellectuals, lawyers and poor white policemen, lets move on to Hollywood to the cemetery with the black-turned-white superhero. Black or white, Male or female - are questions to ponder. A man so obsessed with color that perhaps he wanted his coffin custom made with white nails and locks. Let alone while living, the whitomaniac denies his doctor peace, even after his death. Yet the codicil to the ointment tube glares - "Dosage, as prescribed by the physician".

3) What's funny to who(m)?

Tell a Sardarji joke in China and the retort would echo "Whats a Turban?". The aspiration (or desperation) to intend being funny depends on the crowd around you! Tell a clean joke at college and you become the local Pope. Tell a shoddy one to your dad and you become a victim of the renowned be-a-good-man-advice-forum-beneficiary. The natural charisma that some people seem to possess congenitally to make people roll off the floor in laughter is truly exceptional. You can always expect a sharp sting round the corner in their presence (poor victims, and it stings harder when its on you. Takes a lot of courage to be sportive!). The same comment from you gets a boo and if from him, gets all the applause. Its all about the delivery!

Some people narrate jokes as if they'ld rather read the news. To some specimens the word humor in itself hardly penetrates the 4th layer of their skins. These are the vigorously serious and immensely boring sloth bears that we still find surviving. Enter - the save-no-mercy-for-him delicacies who're always the victims. May their means be silence or chatter, these scape goats get slaughtered right in the poultry farm over and over again! You do feel some pity for them but just fall short of being magnanimous and so, butcher them again. These whipping boys never fail to entertain us with their ingenious tomfoolery and boundless clumsiness. They say its all about timing a joke; its always tea-time for these wimps. So when you are in the company of better wits, behave yourself; when you know that you are the best wisecracker, build your confidence :)